Q. I inadvertently humiliated my brother at his own wedding by telling a family story that should have remained private. I've said "sorry" numerous times, but even now, a year later, he won't talk to me. Any suggestions on how to make things right?
--Kelly G., Portland, Washington

A. Siblings sometimes (okay, often) have a storehouse of unresolved emotions -- jealousy, hurt, competition -- that build up over time, never being resolved or even discussed. Your inadvertent "share" may have kicked up some of this emotional gunk. That may explain why he can't forgive you. As to why you even made such a gaffe in the first place, perhaps your shadow (the parts of our personality we're afraid to know) got hold of your tongue. Or maybe it was just an innocent blunder. Whatever the reasons, it's going to take a bit of effort on your part to reestablish trust.

Begin by asking for forgiveness in your own heart. Sitting comfortably in a quiet spot, bring the wedding into your mind's eye. See yourself telling the fateful story. Then say to yourself, "May I be at peace. May my heart open." Next, picture your brother. Feel his hurt and humiliation. Hold him in your heart and say, "I ask for your forgiveness. May we be healed."

Now, from your softened heart, consider how to proceed. Ironically, seeking his forgiveness won't get you what you want (as you've already discovered). Rather than put the focus on what you want (to be forgiven), do things that demonstrate how much you care about him. When I hurt a dear friend, I subsequently showed up at her son's play, sent a magazine clipping about a painter she loved, and made her a funny birthday card, among other things. It took about six months, but I finally convinced her I was indeed caring and trustworthy. Be patient and creative; your efforts might just lead to a fresh start.

All that said, you can't force your brother to change. If he isn't willing to brave the sweet intimacy of forgiveness, you need to leave him alone. Don't stop loving him, but do put a limit on how long you'll actively reach out. When you start to feel resentful, sad, or simply done, then stop. A willingness to keep your heart open won't guarantee a happy ending, but it's certainly a potent way to care for yourself and boost your own ability to forgive -- starting with yourself.

Coach Jennifer Louden is the author of six books, including "The Life Organizer: A Woman's Guide to a Mindful Year." Visit her at jenniferlouden.com. Email any questions you have about the challenging life issues you face today to jennifer@bodyandsoulmag.com.