In close relationships, there are fights and there are fights. 

Some spring from watershed issues: how to save or spend money, how to raise the kids, how to honor religious beliefs (or not) during the holidays. But this isn't what couples fight about most of the time. Instead, we argue over loading the dishwasher properly, cutting toenails on the coffee table, and cleaning the cat box when it's your turn. 

While the offenses may seem minor enough, these garden-variety arguments can cause tremendous stress, contributing to general wear and tear on a relationship. If they're left unaddressed, even small things can morph into big power issues over time, making a trivial annoyance, like dirty socks on the floor, seem like a slap in the face.

Since these kinds of fights often spring up spontaneously, they tend to prompt knee-jerk reactions that only make matters worse. But when you stop reacting and start responding with compassion, you defuse silly squabbles and help strengthen your bond. 

Someone once told me that all arguments are only about one thing: Who's going to listen to whom first? Giving your attention first (instead of demanding it) has magical curative properties. So bring your full attention to these critical moments and know that you are also offering love, no matter how upset you are. This way, petty arguments can become a chance to cultivate compassion.

The following strategies for three common arguments will help quell the heat, rather than fan the fire.

Tiff Type: The Hair Trigger
Red flag 
A benign, often innocent mistake causes your partner to become disproportionately infuriated. ("How could you forget soap? I specifically asked for soap!")

Knee-jerk reaction
What's his problem? What did I do to deserve that? He doesn't appreciate me.

Strategy 
See his side.

In Tibetan Buddhist thought, there are 12 antidotes to anger; number one is patience. Usually, instead of trying to understand what exactly is so upsetting, we become angry, too -- which only escalates the battle. In place of vitriol or a harsh reaction, try responding with openness and curiosity. In other words, relax your defenses.

Put compassion into action by taking the focus off yourself. Try writing a letter to yourself from him in which you imagine how he might explain the reason for his earlier outbreak. It may occur to you, for instance, that he relies on you to take care of weekly grocery shopping while he handles all the yard work. So when it seems as if you're not holding up your end of the bargain, he panics, thinking he has to do it all. Or he may feel that forgetting the soap proves you don't appreciate what he's doing on his end. The point of this exercise is to broaden your perspective beyond your own feelings. It's the very definition of compassion, and it immediately begins to restore balance. (Plus, it's incredibly courageous and noble.)

Tiff Type: The Cold War
Red flag
The person you snuggled with this morning has turned into Mr. Remote (Control) this evening and seems not the least bit responsive.

Knee-jerk reaction
He's mad at me. I did something wrong. He's met someone else and doesn't love me anymore.

Strategy 
Step back.

Temporary withdrawal has its place. When we feel someone has withdrawn from us emotionally, it's natural to worry; but nagging or prodding him for reassurance that he loves you only makes things worse. Instead, try to get away for a while: Take a walk, go out for a cup of coffee, visit a friend. Don't meet his chilly front by storming out the door; simply separate yourself from the situation for a while, giving him some space and time alone. If you can find a way to meet his bad mood with a peaceful mind and warm heart, whatever's really going on will become clear -- or, more likely, pass over.