Last week I was working on a deadline for my lawyer. My ex-husband and I are in a legal battle to determine child support for our four-year-old son. During this process, I've been shocked and saddened by the choices my ex has made.

I now needed to answer a slew of questions put forth by his lawyer and organize a huge number of documents. But I didn't have it in me. I sat and stared at the pile of papers for hours, feeling heavy, overwhelmed, and depressed.

Then a male friend of mine called to check in on me. I described the task at hand and told him how I was feeling, and he immediately said, "Well, it's time to put your game face on and *&#% him!" I laughed and felt my energy shift. He's right, I thought, and I allowed myself to get in touch with my anger toward my ex.

Using a black magic marker, I wrote my friend's directive on a piece of paper and taped it above my desk. I then turned to the pile of documents with new resolve and energy.

I share this story because I believe it says a lot about women's relationship with anger. The occasional female hothead aside (for whom anger comes naturally), it's not the emotion we lead with. As I say often, I don't "do" anger; many patients I work with tend to avoid their anger as well. Instead, we jump over it, expressing emotions we're more comfortable with.

Empathy works for me; when someone angers me, I quickly focus on the pain he or she must be in to have done something hurtful. (We see the extreme form of this dynamic in women who empathize with their abusers.) Turning anger inward is another well-traveled path, one characterized by depression or the belief that you've done something to deserve the action that hurt you. But whether or not we blame ourselves for the situation, we often think (consciously or not) that we can do something to avoid it in the future -- and thus become "over-adapters." All the while, we avoid the experience of anger altogether.

Men are typically much more comfortable with both the concept and the experience of anger. Research shows that when a conflict arises in a game, girls typically walk away, while boys use the conflict to inspire them. Hence my friend's advice, which directly linked the sports metaphor ("put your game face on") to the expression of anger ("and *&#% him").

By no means should women reflexively try to behave like men when it comes to anger. But the way men harness their anger holds important lessons for us. As it turns out, the consequences of being at the extreme ends of the anger spectrum (suppressing it or staying in a state of rage) can reach far beyond the immediate conflict, with potentially serious effects on your health, not to mention your happiness. By understanding how your body and mind process anger, you can find a balanced path.